


A Moment to Ponder

by Darkstorm21



Series: Commander Derek Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 22:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16564019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkstorm21/pseuds/Darkstorm21
Summary: He had her and then he lost her. Their relationship a roller coaster of moments going up and down. But when Derek Shepard was so close to losing the one he loved the most, his Ashley. Will he finally let his past lead him forward and help him secure the woman he loves before he loses her forever because of the decisions he made.





	A Moment to Ponder

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally decided to reboot this rendition of my Shepard from my very first playthrough of Mass Effect. I do not own any of the characters, everyone and everything in this universe belongs to Bioware and Electronic Arts respectfully. This was originally posted on fanfiction.net as apart of N7 day.

**A Moment to Ponder**

He didn’t say a word as he stood in the exam area of Huerta Memorial Hospital, the door was in facing was tightly shut and not moving until he pressed the button. Part of him hesitated, he heard what Doctor Michele told him, Ashley was going to pull through and that made his heart skip a beat, the breath he was holding released, but, this was all too much for him to handle.

For Derek Shepard, the past three years really weren’t what he anticipated at all, dying by the Collector’s hands, being brought back by Cerberus two years later and spending six months fighting them only to be brought in with charges of aiding a terrorist organization and destroying an entire star system. Normally, a criminal with those charges would have gotten life or the chair, but Derek got off easy with relieved of duty and a cushiony stay in the Alliance Headquarters on Earth.

All he wanted to do was see her, Derek half expected Ashley would have shown up during the last six months he was in custody but there was no sign of her, no smile, words of encouragement or even a little poetry to try and calm his nerves or even just a night together, just the two of them.

But she couldn’t even look at him, not ever since the events on Horizon and she saw Derek standing with Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor on the battle scene where the Collectors were cornered did the mistrust cement in her, while he knew the message he sent her seemed genuine, Derek had known Ashley Williams long enough to know when she got a thought in her mind, it didn’t change.

* * *

  _Mars Research Facility_

_Two Weeks Ago_

_They stood together on the atrium heading toward the second half of the research facility, Derek held his assault rifle in hand looking straight ahead, his biotics charged and ready to go. Glancing behind him, Liara was examining a data tablet while Ashley seemed impatient, she was tapping her foot against the floor and constantly checking her rifle, Derek figured now was a good time as ever._

_He walked over to Ashley, who looked up at him with a confused look in her brown eyes as he tapped the right side of his helmet, an old sign to change the radio station in their communicators, fortunately, they knew it was a private channel only the field crew of the Normandy used, one that Derek hoped Liara would not tap into for a few minutes._

_“I take it your unsettled?” Derek asked,_

_“Yeah…you could say that.” Ashley turned to face him as he walked away_

_“It isn’t because of working with me again is it?” Derek asked again as he moved toward his original position “We haven’t talked about what happened at all.”_

_“Does it have to be right now?”_

_“No, it doesn’t. But if we’re going to work together, I need to know that we’re not going to have another Horizon.”_

_“What happened on Horizon wasn’t intended.”_

_“Yet the cold shoulder I got from you was?”_

_“You were working for Cerberus.” “_

_With Cerberus Ash, with.” Derek sharply turned, Ashley’s back was to him “I already explained this to you that I was working with them to defeat the Collectors, that’s it. I had no intention of working with  past that, once the collectors were done, I had every intention of walking away and heading back to Alliance Space.”_

_“I want to believe you, Derek, I really do…but…” Ashley tried to hold back the tears as the door opened, she quickly turned back to the public channel “I can’t tell if its really you.” She said under breath as shots began to fire._

* * *

 Derek pressed the button to unlock Ashley’s door and walked in, the lights were dim, the beeping of the EKG machine was the only sound in the room, otherwise, a pin could be dropped and there wouldn’t be a sound made. Ashley was asleep, hair covered her face, but from what he could see her face black and blue, several bandages placed on her cheeks and Derek could see where there was stitch work underneath.

So many things he wanted to say, if there was one thing about Derek Shepard was that finding the right words in romance was one area he always struggled with, at least in the past. Everyone on the crew noticed how much Shepard changed when he started dating Ashley three years ago, of course, no one on the ship cared their CO was dating the arms master on the ship, not even Anderson, though outside of their crew, they kept their relationship discreet.

Derek approached Ashley and gently kept a hand on the railing of her bed “Ashley, hey, its Shep…Derek,”

He took one look at her and there was something about Ashley right now, in this state where her life seemed to be hanging in the balance, no armor, no makeup, not even a reaction that just seemed to take his breath away, that raw sheer sense of ‘this could be the last time I see her before I die’, he didn’t expect the last time he saw her two years before Horizon, might have been the last time.

* * *

  _Outside the planet Alchera_

_2183_

_It had been a rough night, four days of racing all around the fringes of the Terminus Systems had taken its toll on Derek and the crew of the Normandy. Four days of searching for what was left of the Geth, the race of sentient machines designed by the Quarians designed originally to act as a labor force soon turned intelligent and openly rebelled against their creators._

_Those who followed Saren were dead either on Illos or the Battle of the Citadel and those who escaped, that’s what Derek was hunting now, even if the Quarians were not willing to corporate with Alliance requests of helping to find them._

_“I know your awake Derek.”_

_A smirk formed on Derek’s face as his closed eyes opened and the first sight he saw after a long overdue amount of sleep was Ashley laying beside him. She looked almost as tired as he did, though she knew how to hide it well and that was something Derek always envied about her._

_As commander of the Normandy, it was his job to put on a strong face, he just was never expecting the girl he had come to care about to do that for him._

_“What gave it away?” Derek smirked as Ashley smacked his shoulder_

_“I don’t think I have to remind you.” She smiled as they kissed, his right arm holding her shoulder in place “We keep having nights like last night and I think there will be another body in this bed.”_

_Derek looked at her curiously for a moment and then an idea formed in his head “Would that be a bad thing?”_

_“Skipper, we just started dating seven months ago. Don’t get any funny ideas.” Ashley’s tone grew cold for a moment and then she caught one of his looks, one of those looks that always made her melt_

_He looked at her, not surprised, angry or sad, just, content. Content with where his life was right now, he was commanding his own ship, a SPECTRE and had the one person he could let his walls down with, Ashley could see past everything he did at Torfan and see him for who he really was and that gave him the content he needed._

_“I’m not talking about now, I’m talking about when we…have us figured out a bit more. I’m_ thinking _marriage, a house on Earth, close to your mom and sisters, we’re both retired,” Shepard started but was stopped by Ashley sighing_

_“Are you trying to butter me up, Skipper?”_

_“Maybe.” Derek smiled as they kissed again “Derek listen…I…love…”_

_They were cut off to the sound of Joker coming over the intercom “Brace for evasive maneuvers!”_

_Derek quickly stood and went over to his weapons armor locker on his quarters and turned back to Ashley who was already getting dressed “Ash, what did you want to tell me?”_

_Ashley held her words for a few moments, wondering if now was the time “I love you, Shepard.”_

_“What?” “I know I said we just got together…but you know Dad with those sappy poets…I’m not a word person Shepard and like I told you…you make me feel good enough.”_

_Derek finished strapping on his armor and walked over, gently taking her lips in his for a few seconds then looked right into her brown eyes “Ash…I…”_

_He was cut off by the ship rocking a few times like a plane in bad turbulence and the smell of smoke “I’ll take care of that.” He opened his door and looked back at her “I’ll finish what I was going to say when this is over.”_

* * *

 Shepard never got the chance to say what he wanted to tell her. Say to Ashley that he loved her too, that he had his eye on her from the minute they met on Eden Prime, that he put his feelings for her ahead of his mission and wanted to protect her so badly, get Ashley and Kurahee’s men off of Virmire and away from Serin, made him worry the entire mission of what would happen if they failed and Serin got his hands on Ashley.

He cared about Kaiden like a brother, and letting him die was a tough call, a call no one would make otherwise. But knew that Alenko would rather go down fighting then know that he lost a crew mate, that bomb had to go off and Kaiden knew that.

“I should have known you’d pull through. You’re stubborn. Always were.” Derek felt his body shake with fear “You scared me pretty bad back there on Mars. I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing…” He looked at her and gently placed a hand on top of hers, Derek knew she was out cold, but maybe…maybe it was reassurance for him “Despite all this…and everything that’s happened, it was good to see you again.”

The door opened and her doctor, Doctor Hendrix stepped in “Commander, I’m sorry. We need to administer her meds and check her vitals.”

Derek nodded and turned back to Ashley “You get some rest okay? I’ll come by soon, then we can clear the air on all of this.” He let go of her, hoping he’d be able to walk back into this room again and made his way out, stopping so he was shoulder to shoulder with Hendrix “If you need anything doctor, let me know okay?”

Hendrix nodded “Of course Commander. Thank you, and for the record, I’m sorry about Earth.”

“I know, me too.”

Derek moved from the hospital, but not before stopping off at the gift shop and picking Ashley up the full Tennyson collection in original hardback book copies, something no one can find any more, but someone in the gift shop was trying to get rid of them and Derek got lucky. And now he found himself sitting in a corner on the Normandy’s docking bay, his eyes staring at the ground, his hands folded together, his right foot tapping in a nervous motion on the ground. His nervous tick was coming back, something he hadn’t experienced in years. Not since Torfan anyway.

He lost too many friends on that mission, his CO at the time Major Kyle, deemed these losses as necessary, but it was that one time and honestly the last time up until now that he lost his temper and let the butcher of Torfan come out.

The media and the civilian sector called him that for butchering an entire colony of Batarians, he called his anger The Butcher,  because he let it loose that one time and he had a hard time controlling himself after that…Mars was another example of how much he carried his heart on his sleeve and let his emotions take over.

* * *

  _Mars Research Facility_

_12 hours ago_

_“No!”_

_Derek’s pistol was aimed right at the drone that called itself Eva Core, Ashley’s head was being slammed multiple times into the Cerberus transport behind her. It was in that moment the robot heard him and tossed Ashley on the ground, though still had a look in her robotic blue eyes like she wanted to keep attacking Williams, kill her if she had to._

_Shepard looked at Ashley and felt his blood boil, everything that had happened in just the last day, watching Earth go to rubble, seeing Anderson stay behind on a planet he knew was going to fail…seeing that boy die in the shuttle by the reaper, now Ashley. He felt his new L5n implants flaring in the back of his neck._

_“Shepard! Get that thing!” Vega’s finger rested on the trigger, but Shepard’s movements were too fast and in the moment, used his biotics and shoved James to the floor with his one hand and used his other to pull Core toward him._

_Core’s body was like a leaf caught in the wind before Shepard’s hand closed on her neck and began to squeeze, logically, he knew nothing would make this VI choke out but at this point, he didn’t care. He continued to squeeze until he heard the metal began to creek and then tossed Core’s body onto the ground, but not before using his biotics again and tossed her body into the air again, then slammed her into the ground, feeling the floor underneath them implode on itself._

_Derek’s hand went for his pistol and he began shooting into Core’s body, the bullets penetrating the metal plating that was left of its body, Derek wanted to see the life leave that VI, deal a blow to the Illusive Man and teach him not to screw with him._

_“Commander! We have Reapers inbound!” Joker called out over the intercom_

_Derek finally came to his sense for a minute as he reloaded, then looked at Ashley. He had to save her, he had to do something, he walked over to Core’s body, its eyes were still glowing as he looked at her “I know you can see me, Illusive Man, if you can’t hear me, you can hear me. I’m coming for you, and if Ashley dies, you give me just another reason to kill me, so send who you want. Every single Cerberus soldier you send after me, I’ll cut them down.” He stood up and shot it one more time, then turned to Vega “Grab that thing, we’ll take it with us.”_

_“Yeah, assuming there is anything left.”_

* * *

Derek was so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear anyone approach him “Commander Shepard?”

He looked up to Doctor Hendrix standing in front of him, his eyes betrayed his body, showing nothing but signs of worry, Hendrix could only smile at his reaction.

“Lieutenant Commander Williams is up and she’s asking for you. But you’ll have to wait, Udina is in seeing her.”

“What does Udina want with her?”

“Last I heard it was about making Commander Williams a Spectre, but I could be wrong.”

Derek bolted past Hendrix and made his way to the elevator and pressed the button. Too many thoughts were racing through his head at that moment again. Why does Udina want to make her a Spectre? Would she leave the Normandy? Maybe Derek should tell her nothing changed, he still thought the world of her. Course, he was sure Ashley thought he left her by now.

Though he was tempted, between his Yeomen Kelly Chambers being friendly and Miranda Lawson constantly flirting around him talking about her perfect genetic tailoring, Ashley was the only one for him. In his mind, she was making him fight for her, and the trials he faced on the SR-2 and Horizon, it was all a test to bring him to this one moment, the moment he’d tell her that she was the only one for him and that wasn’t going to change.

His mind was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t realize he was standing in Ashley’s door, Udina walking past him “Shepard.”

Shepard nodded “Udina.” He turned to Ashley “So, made your decision?

“Good to see you too.” Ashley rolled her eyes at him “I don’t know if I should become a Spectre or not, it’s an honor and all, but I don’t know. I still need time to think.”

“It’s a big decision,” Shepard sat down on a small stool beside her bed “Smart move to think it through, you always were the one who thought things through more than I did.”

“Nope, can’t see it. I was always the one shooting.” She joked, smiling as she winced with her ribs “You were always the one pulling my ass out of the fire.”

“True, but you kept me level headed when things got tough.” Shepard leaned up a bit “How are you feeling?”

“Good, all things considering.” She pointed to her bandaged face “The nurse said you checked in one me earlier, still out cold I guess.”

“You’ve been through a lot Ash,” Derek reached into the bag he had at his feet “Here, I picked these up for you,” he pulled the books out and set them on bedside table “Figured you could read them when you had some downtime.”

“Thanks, that’s sweet,” Ashley examined the first book in the set and set it by her opposite hand “I’ve been climbing the walls.”

Derek thought for a moment “We never did get the chance to finish our conversation on the Normandy before the Collector’s attacked…I figured we could…”

“Do you think that conversation is appropriate?” She looked at him with the Williams’ look of disappointment “I read the reports, Derek, I know who you served with,”

“You know Garrus and Tali were with me, Ash…”

“I was referring to Miranda Lawson. The black-haired woman with you on Horizon?” She sighed “Look, I get it, it’s been two and a half years since we were together if you don’t want to be, I understand.”

Derek chucked for a bit and saw her face was annoyed “Ashley, it’s always been you,” He reached into his leg pocket and pulled out a small picture frame and handed it to her, the minute her hands touched it, the frame lit up with her face in it “I kept that picture at my desk and bedside table in my quarters every night since I was appointed Commander of the new Normandy. Can I say Miranda made a pass at me? Yes, I won’t deny it and say that she didn’t,”

When he saw the look on her face, he stopped her “But I told Miranda that I was committed to someone else, she knew I was referencing you. I said that Horizon was just a misstep, but you and I would get back on track as soon as the suicide mission was done, and I return to Alliance Space. Ash…it’s always been you…I can’t…no…I won’t do to this without you, if we’re facing the end of life as we know it, I want you by my side just like you were at the beginning,”

He leaned closer toward her “I know I never got a chance to answer you back on the Normandy, but that was because I was scared, scared of losing you like I lost someone else close to me on Elysium before I met you…but now, now I don’t want to wait anymore….I love you, Ashley, it’s always been you and will always be you, I don’t want this wall between us anymore…I know you and I can go back to how we used to be once your…”

He was stopped with a kiss, a simple, yet faithful gesture to let him know that she didn’t stop loving him the way he loved her, and that was all he needed as her hand rested on his cheek “Shepard…I love you too…but damn it, you sure know how to sweep a girl off of her feet.”

Derek looked right into her brown eyes as their foreheads touched “You’re already lying down Williams.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes at him, gently resting back in her bed “Romantic moment, destroyed.”

Both chuckled before Derek spoke up and rubbed the back of his neck “Sorry, I’m really rusty at this.”

Ashley rolled her eyes again “Don’t be, being dead gives you that privilege.”

Derek smiled as he stood up and patted her hand “Ash, get some rest okay? I can come by later and we can catch up properly…”

“Shepard! Wait!” Ashley almost screamed, “It’s about my sister, Sara, I need some advice.”

He sat back down and listened as Ashley told him about Sara’s marriage to a military marine named Thomas, who was a second Lieutenant serving on Demeter, a small garden planet on the fringes of the outer colonies and how Thomas was called back into active service while Sarah and her family made their way back to Earth and were now in transit to the Citadel.

“Sar knows she can talk to me, but Thomas not being able to call her has her worried sick.” Ashley looked at the tablet with her message “I don’t know what to do.”

Derek leaned back during the conversation and folded his arms “Tell her not to give up. That even though communications are down, he’s still fighting, fighting to get back home to her. And if he falls, to remember him as he was and not rushing off to his death. He’d want it that way.”

“Huh, that’s a good idea, Derek, thanks.”

“You know, you’ll have to introduce me to Sarah, I seem to recall she thought I was cute when I was first interested in you.”

A look of horror spread on her face “Oh god, you did hear that!”

A cheeky grin spread on Derek’s face “Damn straight I did.”

Ashley felt nothing but embarrassment but was glad Shepard was back “I’ll have to introduce you to everyone once I’m out of this bed.”

“Well, you need rest first Williams, then the family reunion can happen.” Derek sat back “And I have to get going anyway.”

“Where to?”

“Palavin, the Turian Councilor said the Primarch can help us get the Crucible up and running, but we need to clear Reapers first.”

“Well, shoot one hard in the chest for me, will you?”

“You got it, Williams.” Derek stood and kissed her cheek and walked away, smiling at her as he closed the door shut.

Derek had Ashley back, and now, his moment to ponder was all it took for him to get his life back on track and now there was a galaxy to save hopefully for the last time in his life. Settling down with Ashley was all he wanted to do and hopefully, when this war ended, he was going to be able to keep the promise he made to her back before he died and before the original Normandy fell. Derek tapped his ear as he approached the elevator

“Joker, have the Normandy ready to go, I’ll be right there.”

“Aye aye, Commander.”


End file.
